Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
You Might Also Like
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.