[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
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[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
who will stop them
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.