Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
You Might Also Like
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them