I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
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Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.