Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside