Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.