Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
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I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Best mom ever 😂
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.