Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
You Might Also Like
Meow
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Y’all know who you are.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.