The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
🤣😂🤣
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /