Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
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People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me :
All Day At Night
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Twitter remains undefeated
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
My time has come.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.