I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
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Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
S/o to @funTweeters .
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.