Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
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god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.