LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
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Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Eat…
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.