Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
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Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My first son he is wonderful
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea