this is uni
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I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
💻🤡
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?