If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
You Might Also Like
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
#math
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT