A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
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Time for evil
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
gentlemen, hear me out
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for