Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Flock of bats
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this