@thombodytolove

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

@thombodytolove

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

@thombodytolove

really nice when the youtube home workout guy with 17 abs is like “ur doing great” like thanks buddy but i am throwing up everywhere

@thombodytolove

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

@thombodytolove

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

@thombodytolove

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

@thombodytolove

ubereats: u look hungry

me: ya

ubereats: but ur so fuckin lazy

me: ya

ubereats: i bet little piggy wants a 15 dollar ice cream cone delivered

me: ya

@thombodytolove

[learning how to tie shoes in school]

Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life

@thombodytolove

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this