I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
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I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.