Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
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If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I saw nothing
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.