WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
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The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I bet birds love this building.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Inside you there are two wolves
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days