You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
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I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?