Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
You Might Also Like
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Oops
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
No, YOUR illiterate.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)