completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
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[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?