Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
You Might Also Like
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.