Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
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Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face