Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.