I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
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Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”