@tigersgoroooar

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

@tigersgoroooar

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

@tigersgoroooar

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

@tigersgoroooar

If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.

@tigersgoroooar

sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.

@tigersgoroooar

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

@tigersgoroooar

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

@tigersgoroooar

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

@tigersgoroooar

Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he