bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.
sick of people asking if my daughter’s name is short for lucille. no, it’s not. if jenny is short for jennifer, lucy is short for lucifer.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Good things to say after sex
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.