I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
this is literally a CIA plant
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
My first child will be named New Folder.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this