“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I really had high hopes for this year though
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.