How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.