Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
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Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail