I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
lmfao
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep