@timdonakowski

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

@timdonakowski

I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.

@timdonakowski

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

@timdonakowski

Boss: I’m following you on Twitter.

Me: Sweet! ‘Nother follower!

[Days later]

Me: Oh wait. Shit.

@timdonakowski

My wife and I got into an argument.

And now I’m gonna do these dishes so hard.

@timdonakowski

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

@timdonakowski

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.