Funny Tweeter

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Page of timdonakowski's best tweets

@timdonakowski : Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

@timdonakowski: Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

@timdonakowski: Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

@timdonakowski: If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in their recipe.

@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.

@timdonakowski: I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I'm sleeping.

@timdonakowski: Boss: I'm following you on Twitter.

Me: Sweet! 'Nother follower!

[Days later]

Me: Oh wait. Shit.

@timdonakowski: My wife and I got into an argument.

And now I'm gonna do these dishes so hard.

@timdonakowski: "Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective" - cats