Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@timdonakowski : Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
@timdonakowski: Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
@timdonakowski: Pillow fights didn't last as long in the Stone Age.
@timdonakowski: Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
@timdonakowski: If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they'd put cocaine back in their recipe.
@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
@timdonakowski: I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I'm sleeping.
@timdonakowski: Boss: I'm following you on Twitter.
Me: Sweet! 'Nother follower!
Me: Oh wait. Shit.
@timdonakowski: My wife and I got into an argument.
And now I'm gonna do these dishes so hard.
@timdonakowski: "Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective" - cats