Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Boss: I’m following you on Twitter.
Me: Sweet! ‘Nother follower!
Me: Oh wait. Shit.
My wife and I got into an argument.
And now I’m gonna do these dishes so hard.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.