Funny Tweeter

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Page of timdonakowski's best tweets

@timdonakowski : Naming my daughter "A Relationship" so I don't have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

@timdonakowski: Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

@timdonakowski: Shout out to politicians for keeping the word "folks" alive.

@timdonakowski: Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

@timdonakowski: Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat's resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

@timdonakowski: My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

@timdonakowski: When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

@timdonakowski: Naming your child “Roger” is fine, until you have to tell someone about it over a two-way radio.

@timdonakowski: *Searches “Yahoo” on Yahoo until Yahoo has an orgasm*

@timdonakowski: Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.