@timdonakowski: Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
@timdonakowski: Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
@timdonakowski: Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat's resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
@timdonakowski: My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
@timdonakowski: When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
@timdonakowski: Naming your child “Roger” is fine, until you have to tell someone about it over a two-way radio.
@timdonakowski: Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.