Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of timdonakowski's best tweets

@timdonakowski : I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

@timdonakowski: Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

@timdonakowski: Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

@timdonakowski: "We like the idea, we do. We're just afraid it's going to keep the viewer awake." - Sundance Channel execs

@timdonakowski: Been married six months and I can't even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

@timdonakowski: Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

@timdonakowski: Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

@timdonakowski: Want the secret to success?
Want 2x the energy without having to diet?
Want to add 20 years to your life?
Want less shoulder hair?

Me too.

@timdonakowski: Just lean back in your chair and say "caloric". It's exhilerating.

@timdonakowski: *stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*