Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
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*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”