everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
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If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?