“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
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ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.