When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
You Might Also Like
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there