Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
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I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Cardio Made Easy
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.