[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I never needed anything more in my life
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.