Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
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Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.