Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
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My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.