[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
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He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
What’s a Messi?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence