POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Body by Oreos
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.