if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine