@tnylgn

Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you’re more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca

@tnylgn

I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.

@tnylgn

What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?

@tnylgn

The person that was in charge of naming Ohio must have thought of it when they realized someone was waving at the person behind them.

@tnylgn

If you’re wearing khaki above the waist I’m going to assume you know everything about every animal.