@toastymoe: The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
@toastymoe: Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
@toastymoe: If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
@toastymoe: One of my co-workers just called the elevator a "vator". Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call...
@toastymoe: Put me in your bio so I know it's real... Just kidding, I'd rather be in your will.
@toastymoe: It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman's shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you're at Walmart... I know that now
@toastymoe: Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.
I'm a bus driver
@toastymoe: Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.