@toastymoe

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

@toastymoe

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

@toastymoe

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

@toastymoe

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

@toastymoe

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

@toastymoe

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

@toastymoe

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

@toastymoe

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

@toastymoe

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.