Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.
I’m a bus driver
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.