Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Perfect
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on